Rant Library

AN OPEN LETTER TO THE DENVER MUSIC SCENE, SUCH AS IT IS

The other night, a friend who now lives in Minneapolis asked me something to the effect of, "Why don't you guys move somewhere else where you can get noticed?" After some thought, I answered, "Because we have always thought that we have all the ingredients here for something special to eventually happen."

If you have lived here for any amount of time, you've seen any number of interesting bands rise up, only to break up or move before making any serious impact as far as making some noise on a larger level. The main reason cited for breakups, besides "creative differences," always seems to center on the indifference of the music-consuming populace here in town. With a few exceptions, people just don't turn out in enough numbers to make working in a band feasible. The "show me the asses in the seats" mentality of most club owners here doesn't help matters any; nor does the "hey, we're just happy to be playing this bar on a Tuesday night" mentality of most of the bands.

Face it--we live in a cowtown (albeit one that has a unique and funky energy and a lot of talented people), and it's going to stay that way until we undergo a serious attitude change, no matter how many hip bars open in LoDo. I know people want to have a scene where they can see a variety of good music (at least that's what I hear when I talk to people about it); and I know for damn sure that bands want to have a scene where they have a chance to be heard by people other than their close friends and the drunk guy passed out at the end of the bar.

My recommendations are threefold:

Bar/Club Owners: If you're looking for background music for your patrons to drink to, invest in a damn jukebox. Live music is only a draw if people want to see it. You can help ensure this by creating an environment that will draw the quality bands. Get some decent sound equipment. If you don't have a stage, build one. Hire a sound person that knows what they're doing and takes pride in making things sound good. Lastly, do some promotion. You stand to make the lion's share of the money if the band draws well; invest some in getting the word out. Don't leave it all up to the bands--we're spending most of our time practicing, not coming up with marketing schemes.

Music Consumers: You have an awesome amount of power in this equation. Use it. Participate. Go see a local band other than your friends' band. Make a conscious choice to go see some live music once in a while. Going drinking at some LoDo bar that features a band off in the corner doesn't count. Make the music a priority; you can drink anywhere. When you find a band you like, get involved--get on the mailing list, communicate with the band, spread the word, etc.

Bands: Perhaps the greatest responsibility is yours. If you expect people to come see you, you owe it to them to make sure you're getting a quality product out there. Work on your craft--figure out how your sound is unique and work to bring those aspects out in your music, whatever the style. Remember that your craft is not just playing tunes, but presenting a show for the audience. Of course, everybody's got to do their own thing; spend some time figuring out just what your thing is. People are always more willing to come back if they feel they will be truly entertained. Most importantly, think professionally. The prevalent "we're just playing our songs, and while it would be cool if people came to see us, we're just happy to be playing the Bluebird on a Wednesday" mentality won't get anyone anywhere. The first step in being big-time is to stop thinking small-time.

I don't know, maybe I'm way off the mark here. But I really don't want to move to L.A.

Sincerely,
Aaron Langton
Uncut/Vortex Sound

THE QUEST FOR NOUGAT

It all began whilst Venita and I were discussing the center ingredient in a Three Musketeers bar. I mistakenly referred to it as, "the wholesome center of chocolate-flavored whipped lard." Venita, in all her wisdom, corrected me by saying, "It's Nougat." Simple, precise, and completely lacking in ambiguity! Wonderful! But that then raised the question in my dementia-laden psyche, "Who would invent a product and then name it something absurd and goofy like 'Nougat'." Thus, the quest is born.

Yes, but where to begin? What is it? My first thought was that "Nougat" was one of those products that popped up around the 1950's that coincided with the Roswell crash, much like Magnetic levitation and Particle beam weapon technologies. It stood to reason, that since nothing human-kind has ever created has had so stupid a name, (I mean let's compare 'Nougat' with 'Epilady' or 'PogoBall' or 'My Little Pony') it must be the product of an alien science! If this were the case, then we might be grossly misusing what was initially created as a hyperdrive lubricant, or insole padding, or some form of contraceptive foam. If this were so, then Nougat must be part of the government cover up! In fact, Nougat may be the very key to unraveling the mystery: was it a weather balloon, or an alien Nougat-carrier?

First I decided to check with the old stand-by, the dictionary. Here's what the friendly folks at the American Heritage Dictionary have to say about the creeping evil that is Nougat:

NOUN : A confection made from a sugar or honey paste into which nuts are mixed.

Ah, there it is then, problem solved. Right? WRONG!!! You only think it is! Now we begin to see how wily Uncle Sam has been and how free with our minds! The cover up runs deep. I'm crazy you say? Possibly,but before you let that go to your head allow me to point out the first chink in the armor here. Three Musketeers Bars have no nuts in them!!! AH HA! All other American candy bars that posess nougat don't have nuts mixed in them either. The closest matches, either a Snickers bar, or a Baby Ruth, have nuts placed atop the nougat, but not mixed into it. Hmmm. Now then, it is entirely possible that the alien nougat is molecularly incompatible with terrestrial nuts. Still, we must go deeper.

Next I opted to check with "The Joy of Cooking" to see what they had to say about nougat. According to my trusty Joy of Cooking, previous edition,nougat is a combination of sugar, corn syrup, egg whites, butter and nuts. Joy claims that France and Italy are famous for their honey-flavored nougats, then cravenly declines to give a recipe for one claiming that more careful storage of honey-containing candy is needed due to atmospheric moisture. Whatever that's supposed to mean. It's not like a plate full of homemade candy is going to sit around for a week or two. A new piece to the puzzle! Apparently nougat has a limited half-life once removed from the protection of the nougat-vats. Further adding fuel to the fire that nougat is not of this Earth. Again we have mention of ingredients, but no concrete proof that this is what nougat actually is. For all we know, this whole description of ingredients were concocted by a triumvirate of cigarette-smoking men in stylish, yet conservatively-cut black suits. So now I must check with the source, I'm going to check with those manufacturers that utilize nougat in their day-to-day business operations...into the valley of death, I sent my stalwart web-browser to mars.com!!!

There, in the lion's den, I discovered many links to fun sights, all devoted to the spreading of nougat throughout the world. Tons of kid's clubs (ie. Milky Way-Discover Your World, or 3 Musketeers Kid's club) but no mention
of nougat or its origins. I am forced to conclude, therefore that nougat is indeed the product of an alien science! I feel that these kid's sites are merely the precursor to a massive alien invasion! But now is the time to rejoice, fellow humans, for we have uncovered the plot and are now bringing it to the light of justice! Milky Way-Conquer Your World will not become a reality for the greedy alien species and the corporate marionettes! Save your families, save yourselves! Avoid nougat!

Ben Langton

LIFE, JACKASSERY, AND THE AMERICAN WAY

Ok, so I just got done reading the news from two days ago (So sue me, I'm a little behind the times) and I saw that article about the kid who watched MTV's show "Jackass" and promptly set himself on fire. While I can certainly agree with poor child's sentiments, after that steaming pile of
goat-shit called their "New Year's Eve Party" I was ready to sever my own arm and give myself the bloody-stump beat-down for wasting my life in such a manner, I don't think I can possibly bring myself to agree with the parent's claims and subsequent law suit of MTV. Apparently they seem to think that their child got the idea to immolate himself from an episode of Jackass.

Ok, of the people in the world not to emulate, it would be the guy on TV who staples his ass shut. While MTV certainly isn't what anybody in their right mind would call an icon of quality programming and an endless well of intellectual stimulation, this is hardly worthy of our court's attention;
(They're too busy figuring out how to make your vote not count if you are a minority in Florida).

Who remembers when they were a kid and grabbed the hot burner? What happened? A.) it hurt like hell B.)Your folks ran over screaming and scolded you for being stupid (at least mine did). I wonder if this kid's parents ever thought, "Gee, my kid has an obsession with kerosene and stick matches...Naw that's normal for a six-year-old." WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU WHEN THIS WAS GOING ON?!? What, did you think you had a pork-roast in the oven? WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU?!? That seems to be a reasonable request,
doesn't it? If perhaps you'd taken a more active part in your child's education and not pawned him off on the electronic babysitter, he may not be a candidate for a sack of Kingsford.

This crap really pisses me off. The public's overwhelming need to blame their children's irrational behavior on TV, music, video games, anything that shifts the blame from them. I seem to remember after the whole Columbine debacle there was a profusion of news articles blaming "death-match"-style video games as a major contributor to the culprit's mental state. Ironically, according most every vid poll out there, it's the team games that sell better and have better re-play value than the "go-it-your-own kill-a-thon" games. Maybe if your kid has a penchant for
decapitating stray puppies you'd best look a little deeper than Quake III Arena or Gwar.

However, I feel that we need to point out that there is a lot to be gained from the media. For example, music. Sure, heavy metal was blamed for a majority of the white suburbanite suicides during the late 80's but where
would your love life be without Peter Gabriel, Heart, Tone Loc, and Wang Chung? I know everybody out there taps their toes or plays air guitar when your favorite song comes on the air. Admit it! Hell, I do. Conversely when I get the old dumpola, I listen to music to make me feel better. Maybe
I'm just too damn well-adjusted but I certainly don't think about torching myself. In fact, I bet if that kid had watched Star Wars and saw how Porkins bought out, he'd probably have had second thoughts.

In the end, it'll be MTV who gets the shaft. Sure, they'll settle out-of-court, pay off the parents, and cancel the show. Even if that doesn't come to pass, the negative publicity will probably make them move the show later. Not that I personally care, I hate it anyway, but I don't
think we should bend to the wishes of two irrational people and their greedy lawyers. I think maybe folks ought to grow a friggin' pair and take an interest in their children's lives? I know, it's a novel concept, forfeiting your jet-set ways and cell phone for a little time with the kid,
but it just might keep him from becoming carbonized. Ok, you can keep your stupid cell phone.

-Benja'

THE REFLECTIONS OF A MAN WITH MEXICAN JUMPING BEANS IN HIS BRAIN

In times like these the sound of millions of jabbering voices can become deafening. Weve all got an opinion and the climate of emotional panic infuses an apparent confidence and passion in those opinions which itself makes us even more loud, and less rational. I dont intend to compound this wave of claptrap, yet I fear I must engage in some talking therapy here, if only for my own peace of mind. My apologies to those who would meditate silently in lieu of clucking- you may quit reading here and return to the Lotus.

The incidents on the east coast this week have reinvigorated thought about the conundrum that is the relationship between the western world (represented in charicature by the United States) and the world of Islamic fundamentalism (represented, again, in the extreme, by those we call extremists, who purportedly would like to declare a Jihad, or, Holy War, on the United States). It must be said (and people in the U.S. have shown, for the most part, a welcome awareness of the fact) that the majority of Moslems would not align themselves with those who, we assume, are behind these acts. Clearly, Islam is not the culprit. A comparison can be drawn with Christians, very few of whom would be in favor of bombing abortion clinics. Likewise, Christianity as a creed is not the adversary of the Arabs, though it might be argued that capitalism, its cultural concomitant, is. But almost all nations, including the Arab ones, have thrown into the game of capitalism, if not in name then at least in spirit.

The comparison between Christianity and Islam breaks down, however when we note that members of those extremist Christian sects number extremely few, while, if we are to believe reports (a real leap of faith, I must admit, but one which, in the information age, we all take on a moment-to-moment basis) the numbers of people who were in favor of these actions, those who see the United States as an enemy and an evil deserving of no compassion, may be quite many- in the hundreds of thousands to be sure, and possibly into the millions. The conclusion to be drawn here is not that, as some of us used to hear in the 70s, there are just a lot of crazy people over there, but that we are truly quite ignorant to what the experience of these people looks and feels like. It is wholly inconceivable to me that I or anyone I know should cheer and celebrate upon hearing the news of the toppling of huge architectural achievements and the loss of several thousands of lives, whether they be those of our enemies or not. And I reject the notion that anyone, as Bush has said, has no regard for human life.

It may be possible to get into the heads of some of these extremists by reading our own history. Its no secret that Europeans waged very bloody Crusades (Holy Wars) in the early parts of the last millennium. Now, many centuries after the fact, historical analysis shows how, whatever the given reasons were for these battles, they were undoubtedly necessary in the seeding of changes which followed and which built the groundwork for the western world in which we now live. For one thing, without the pillage and co-opting of early first millennium Islamic learning, our enlightenment and scientific revolution would have been much longer in the coming. Its hard to know whether Newton could have worked as well with Roman numerals. Psychologically speaking, these wars were the expression of a culture that had marinated long enough in its own juices. For western culture, it was time to stretch out its limbs. And when an adolescent stretches out his arms, he or she doesnt stop to think he might hit someone. Thats why hes not called an adult. Of course, soldiers in the Crusades were likely full of God-serving reasons for their warfare. They were ripened and buzzing with Christs instruction to spread the gospel to all the twelve tribes of the Earth. We might reasonably say now that these people could be diagnosed with clinical psychological disorders. Even the faithful among us would admit that to take up arms and destroy those who resist religious indoctrination is way off Jesus mark.

Without making the claim that Islamic culture is now coming of age and in need of a good stretch (its not- the cultures roots are at least as old as our own), one could say that in the world culture of capitalist technocracy, the Islamic world is at an adolescent phase. The money is there, the scientific capabilities are there, but it would seem they hadnt killed God yet, to usher in the new God of technological advance. It appears, however, at least in the consciousness of those who applaud terrorism, that God is in ill-repair. His dictates about peace and love are severely mitigated, at different points in history, by the observed experience of his adherents. Furthermore, the religious texts available to all the worlds religions are so teeming with every kind of symbol that people in great distress have no trouble finding in them a rationale for all manner of horrific behavior.

Since, fortunately, theres no grade to be had here, Im just going to abandon whatever organization has been present and get to what I want to say. I am among those who was moved by Tuesdays events to believe that something must be done. And what needs to be done is this: we must rack our brains, push our hearts to their limits of compassion, and attempt to really understand how someone could do this, teach their children to do this, and cheer in its aftermath. Meanwhile, we must hold as our guiding principle that these extremists are not to be dehumanized in our thinking any more than we would dismiss our brother or sister or mom or dad as crazy after they had been diagnosed with clinical depression And we must go beyond the bullying U.S. now reaps what it has sown theory because none of us in this democracy will answer to the crimes of imperialism and slavery, among others, in which we all share residual guilt. Nor are we prepared to sacrifice our husbands or wives in a toppling skyscraper for these transgressions, and nor are we, by and large, actively involved in changing U.S. foreign policy to wash our hands.

The most fortunate turn of events would be that a similar soul searching is taking place in the hearts of some Islamic fundamentalists- remember, they lose people like we did with great regularity as civil war is a fact of life in many of these countries. Many of them must be trying to think outside the box as some of us are, having lost faith in old ways of explaining and rationalizing. If enough of this takes place, are we crazy to dream that maybe one day soon, there could be a real discourse between these two worlds on the nature of our split? Perhaps it would be good to find out and bring formal charges against the U.S. for whatever it has been thats characterized us as the ugly American. Perhaps it would be good to explain to the world why we defend the right of Israel to exist (A: U.N. treaty-1948), and while were at it, to clarify for ourselves why its sensible to be an ally to this tiny, yet, not one bit gun-shy country that is called, not too inaccurately, a bully by its neighbors. (A: though only a small portion of our populace, American Jews have contributed hugely to the success of this country, to a point of being, along with American Blacks, almost solely responsible for the rise of the modern entertainment industry, which in itself is a great chunk of the U.S.s power to be the avatar of culture worldwide, not to mention the trillions cranked out by Hollywood, t.v. and record companies.) If we are to move toward a Type 1 civilization, it must finally be recalled that Isaac and Ishmael had the same dad.

Those of faith should pray for those who have been victims, for those who are the aggressors, and to be given the grace to empathize deeply with our apparent adversaries. Non-praying types should be online trying to talk to someone in Afghanistan or Iraq.

Peace, Love, and Happiness
Neal

P.S. I invite all feedback and will hungrily lap up any criticism this essay provokes.